Surf musings from the Outer Hebrides

We crest a small hill on the single track road. Ahead lies a small bay. White sandy beach, rocky outcrop, aqua sea. It’s beautiful, no one else is there and the most unexpected part, there’s a wave! It’s evening, the sun is lying low in the sky and we’re in a place that we’ve aptly seen described as the end of the earth, aka, the west coast of Harris. Heaven.

Liam’s excitement is tangible. “I’m going in” he says “you coming?”

I hesitate. Not because it doesn’t look glorious, not because the waves are super small, not because I can’t really be bothered. I hesitate because at this moment in time, I’ve fallen out of love with surfing.

Let’s rewind. Last October Liam and I took a 2 week trip to Ireland. We loaded up our van, Loba, and headed off in search of surf with both of us having never been to the country before. First stop County Sligo. I’m still very much learning to surf and sit somewhere between beginner and intermediate. The Christmas previous I’d gotten my first hard board and whilst we’d had a couple of outings together this would be the first opportunity to really try her out and build what I hoped would be a long lasting, solid relationship.

Spoiler - it didn’t quite turn out like that. Day three of the trip I was body boarding back into shore after a not very successful surf and somehow managed to hit my groin area with the tail of my board (at the time i thought it might of been a fin) with such force that my skin split, instantly bruised and I lost feeling in my thigh. I’m still not 100% sure what happened but I found myself in a lot of pain hobbling back to the van to assess the damage. I’ll save you the immediate aftermath images but a couple of days later and my leg looked like this.

We debated whether I should go and get stitches but in the end our own handiwork with the butterfly strips did the job. I did end up visiting a hospital though, when the area around the cut swelled a week later, but luckily all was fine. I still have a little nerve damage and of course a cool scar to talk about!

And that was my surfing done for that trip.

Fast forward to the Outer Hebrides 7 months later, having not surfed at all in between (we’d spent the winter snowboarding) and here I was thinking I could pick up where I left off prior to my injury. I mean really, more fool me.

The first surf I couldn’t catch anything and also managed to donk my head with my board resulting in a nice egg shaped lump above my eyebrow. The following surfs I’d find myself always nose diving or backing out or being put through the ringer just a little more than I felt comfortable with. I was becoming increasingly nervous of going in the ocean, increasingly frustrated and felt silly to admit but increasingly fearful of my board. The final straw came when I tried to “practice” getting out over a shore break with no board, to give me confidence to do it with my board, and promptly got dumped on my hip. I stalked off furiously down the beach crying salty tears, launching rocks into the ocean, crazily proclaiming how mad I was at her. Couldn’t she just give me a break?! Later I would have conversations with Liam how surfing might just not be for me and I’d text my friend questioning why I continue to do a sport I hate so much. I was well and truly feeling sorry for myself.

“I was becoming increasingly nervous of going in the ocean, increasingly frustrated and felt silly to admit but increasingly fearful of my board”

So here we were, this beautiful bay at the end of the Earth, with these tiny little waves and I had a choice to make. To go in or not go in - it felt like quite a pivotal moment. Thankfully, I chose the former. Liam has a super fun, 6ft, surf tech foamie. I asked him if we could swap boards for the evening and as we pulled on our wetsuits I told myself “no expectations, just go out and enjoy being in the water.” We waded out, it was super shallow so no need to paddle, and sat on our boards. I looked around and felt a huge grin growing on my face. Mountains one way, ocean the other, golden sun setting on the horizon. We couldn’t have asked for a more picturesque and perfect spot. And then the swell came. Straight away Liam caught a little ankle nipper wave. A super short ride but he was surfing and it was so unexpected that it made it all the more magical. He paddled back smiling. “Your turn” he said, I nodded. And I did have my turn, again and again that evening. Still falling, still messing up but completely care free. I think a combination of using his board, very mellow conditions and feeling insanely grateful for getting to have this moment meant the pressure came off and I just got to enjoy myself again. It was the best evening. Being out there that night reminded me of exactly what surfing is for me, why I do it and why I want to continue to do it. Nature, outdoor time, memorable experiences, challenge, doing something you love with the person you love. I’d taken a step back and in doing so taken a million steps forward. Over the next few days some similar surfs helped to restore my confidence further and over the course of the trip I had some absolutely epic days out in the water. (On my hard board too!) And now as I sit here uncertain of when the next surf trip will be I find myself daydreaming of glassy waves, of tiring paddles and salty skin. The excitement of never knowing when you might land one of those perfect, life affirming surf sessions that always, ALWAYS keep you coming back for more.

Here are some thoughts I popped in my journal after this trip:

The Ocean owes us nothing.

We have no right to catch waves. We have no right to be good at surfing without doing the work. We are not deserving of her grace without humility. The Ocean doesn’t care for self pity or impatience, anger or frustration. You’re on her turf and it’s about playing by her rules and that is a lesson she graciously offers time and time again.

Surfing sees into your soul.

And highlights every insecurity, every “flaw,” every negative thing you see in yourself. It takes a mirror and forces you to look into it. And yet, AND YET… if we can just stick at it, it’s the best dam ride you can ask for.

Lack of confidence negates skill

However good we are, if you’re having a crisis of confidence that’s the thing to work on first. Push the ego to one side and take a step backward. That truly is a step forward. And just don’t give up, give yourself time yes, but don’t give up.

To finish, I wrote some words about that evening at what Liam and I are calling “All Time Bay” and posted them on Instagram along with a bit of background about my recent surf struggles. A friend responded with this great reminder and I think the best advice of all:

“The best surfer is the one having the most fun so just focus on that and the rest will fall into place”